I am a rock, I am an island...

People respond to trauma, tragedy, emergencies, etc in very different ways.  My initial reaction is to remain very calm, logical and resourceful.  When something happens I want to take care of the immediate need and research what I need to know for the future.  After the situation has long been under control and emotions have calmed down - depending on the severity of the event - I may freak out, a little.  That's how I was with Daddy's diagnosis.  Months after being calm, making plans and researching the mess out of FTD - I broke down and realized I was clinically depressed.  Thankfully that's under control, but I've been in a "new" phase for about a year.  I think of it as padding.   I'm aware of the changes in my dad, we discuss them, but I don't always feel or "let go"or share them with others.   I don't think I struggle with trying to have control because I know in life that isn't a reality.  What I want is to be STRONG.

In my early twenties I was a very huggy, affectionate person.  My mama complains that the older I get the more standoffish I've become.  Mostly I blame my children.  My hubbers and I are the proud parents to three kids; all elementary age.  The years are fast approaching when they won't hug me much - so I should savor the time, however some days I've been over-touched; this happened especially during the toddler years!   As a result I struggle with receiving hugs from adults.  I can handle the quick side hug or a fast in and out.  The thought of someone trying to hug & hold me overwhelms me.  If that happened I'd probably turn to mush and if I was mush how can I be strong for everyone else?

Today we went to church and at the end of the service the pastor per usual offered to pray for whomever wanted/needed prayer.  This was the first time in a long time I really wanted to go down for prayer, but I didn't.  I knew that I would just want to be held and just let all of my emotions, fears, pain - everything pour out.  Which I'm sure would accompany a good deal of tears and snot .  So I didn't go. Instead I thought of Simon & Garfunkel:  I am a Rock, I am Island

How often do we, do I  - do things like that?  Under the guise of needing to have control, to be strong, to move past this, etc, etc; we shut people out and we don't take advantage of those willing to share the burden.  Sometimes the thought occurs to me: if I'm trying to be so strong, will I turn to stone and not be able to feel the good things?  It's so easy to say, "but they don't know what I'm going through."  That's true - no one really knows exactly what anyone else is going through.  Still if someone is offering me a word of encouragement, a prayer, a "how ya doing", or even something scary like a hug - I'd be foolish to reject such things.  I need to accept them and not just accept them, but to share a bit of my struggle, a bit of my soul and maybe even turn a little bit to mush with them.