In my early twenties I was a very huggy, affectionate person. My mama complains that the older I get the more standoffish I've become. Mostly I blame my children. My hubbers and I are the proud parents to three kids; all elementary age. The years are fast approaching when they won't hug me much - so I should savor the time, however some days I've been over-touched; this happened especially during the toddler years! As a result I struggle with receiving hugs from adults. I can handle the quick side hug or a fast in and out. The thought of someone trying to hug & hold me overwhelms me. If that happened I'd probably turn to mush and if I was mush how can I be strong for everyone else?
Today we went to church and at the end of the service the pastor per usual offered to pray for whomever wanted/needed prayer. This was the first time in a long time I really wanted to go down for prayer, but I didn't. I knew that I would just want to be held and just let all of my emotions, fears, pain - everything pour out. Which I'm sure would accompany a good deal of tears and snot . So I didn't go. Instead I thought of Simon & Garfunkel: I am a Rock, I am Island
How often do we, do I - do things like that? Under the guise of needing to have control, to be strong, to move past this, etc, etc; we shut people out and we don't take advantage of those willing to share the burden. Sometimes the thought occurs to me: if I'm trying to be so strong, will I turn to stone and not be able to feel the good things? It's so easy to say, "but they don't know what I'm going through." That's true - no one really knows exactly what anyone else is going through. Still if someone is offering me a word of encouragement, a prayer, a "how ya doing", or even something scary like a hug - I'd be foolish to reject such things. I need to accept them and not just accept them, but to share a bit of my struggle, a bit of my soul and maybe even turn a little bit to mush with them.
